


11:10:11PM

by berrysck



Category: Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: F/F, JMO, Jennifer Morrison - Freeform, Lana Parrilla - Freeform, Morrilla, OUAT - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 07:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16676950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berrysck/pseuds/berrysck
Summary: Nothing lasts forever.





	11:10:11PM

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic a while ago in my native language and decided to translate it after some people asked me to. I'm not 100% fluent so I'm sorry for any mistakes!
> 
> This is a Jennifer Morrison/Lana Parrilla piece and it's OBVIOUSLY fiction. 
> 
> If you're here to spread negativity, don't. Just leave.
> 
> If you're a Morrilla fan I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. SwanQueen/Morrilla are subjects very close to my heart and I had an amazing time turning feelings into words.
> 
> Please don't forget to let me know what you think! 
> 
> Lots of love.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

I always took great care of what belongs to me, and that's the reason why I don't freak out when I lose something: I know I did my best and if I have to say goodbye, it's because the time has come.

When I lost my father, I learned _nothing_ lasts forever. I remember how he would sit me on his lap, play with my hair, kiss my forehead and tell me how I should be a good girl and make my mama proud.

"I love you, Lanita. I'll always love you."

I still play these moments inside my head, I still feel this pain in my chest when I think about the unfair circumstances that took him from this world - if there is anything fair about death, which I really doubt - but this career I chose reminds me everyday that nothing, absolutely _nothing_ lasts forever.

And I accept that.

If you had met me seven years ago and asked what I felt when I looked behind, I'd say pride. At the age of 11 I knew exactly what I wanted to be. When I was 16, my father was murdered and I resisted. I finished school and then started studying the thing I've always dreamed of. A short amount of time later, I made my first appearance on TV and worked my ass off. I really, really worked.

Of course I did stuff that just don't really fit the " _things someone should be proud of_ " category very well: I left dirty dishes on the sink for so long that when I was about to finally wash them, buy new plates felt like a better idea. I started partying on a Friday night and came back home on Monday, the only thing in my mind being emabrassing flashes - that and very intense headache. There was this time when I drank so much that I had to be literally carried from the bar. I got caught trying to steal a bra from a crowded store, I got a tattoo while I was high and later I invented a random story to justify it.

The thing is: everything I did helped me get to where I am today, so it was worth it.

After I started working on TV, some things changed for the best. But it was just after I started working in Once Upon a Time that everything changed.

Absolutely  _everything_.

Thanks to my job I'm financially stable, I have incredible friends, I have fans who would give their lives for me. And I'd give mine for them, it's true.

But that's not all that it is. _I've_  changed.

If you had met me seven years ago, you'd see a kinda insecure woman, not that focused but still carrying a peaceful heart.

Today you see a completely secure woman, extremely focused.

And a _desperate_ heart.

Don't be sad, it's fine. I've learned how to deal with that. Slowly, but still.

You're aware that the first time my heart found desperation was when my father was murdered. But healing - not absolute, never absolute - came, and peace made its home inside of me, until my heart got desperate again.

It was when Jennifer Marie Morrison kissed me for the first time.

My hands were trembling, a shiver got up my spine.

That was the moment I realised who I really was, that was when I finally got rid of the chains that kept me from being myself. I've always supported LGBTQ+ rights and it was never a secret. My mom attended to these events with me, my family never had any issues regarding this subject, my gay cousin is one of the best people I know... but things weren't this simple when it came to myself.  

It's weird, I know. But that's how I used to think.

Maybe because I wanted to embrace the world and exclude myself from the equation. It was always about them, never about me. It was always about that little girl at the con who came out because of me, but _never_ \- in fact - about me.

In that moment it was about me. And my heart...

 

Oh, my heart.

She held my hand and said it didn't have to mean anything, but it meant  _everything_.

It wasn't like she had feelings for me though.

Jennifer didn't like me. I didn't like her either.

Jennifer's voice was too soft, she didn't have many friends and her condescending way stressed me out. Meanwhile I would speak too loudly and try to be friends with everyone, but my humbleness was nothing but a mask - or at least that's what she told me during our first serious argument.

Jennifer didn't like me at all and she made it clear every time she scratched my back and bit my shoulder and got up early in the morning leaving without a damn note. She made it clear every time she kissed my neck and traced a line with her tongue from my collarbone to my earlobe while whispering it shoud never happen again.

_Ever_.

I, on the other hand, would show my distaste in other ways.

I made it clear when I refused to take a picture with her even though lots of people were asking for it. I made it clear when I bought her sushi and sent a little note saying " _tweet about it for PR_ ". I made it clear when I said she had no idea of what self control meant and probably never even heard of the word "professionalism" since she would sleep with every co-worker from every show.

I promised I'd never be one of those people and I made it clear when I slipped two fingers inside of her, bit her bottom lip and said "I love you, Jennifer".

 

"You don't love me. You don't even like me", she angrily replied.

 

"No, I don't".

"I don't like you either", she said, and I added another finger.

"Yes, I know", and her breathing hitched.

"Lana?"

" _Please_ , shut up", I said, lowering my mouth until I reached the spot where she wanted me the most.

"I love you too", she whispered, before coming on my mouth.

 

I made it clear when, two months later, I married Alfredo di Blasio.

 

That's when my heart found desperation for the third time.

 

I looked around and saw many loved faces. I smiled to all of them and felt such joy knowing all of those people wanted to see me doing well.

The happiness almost masked the self-hatred and the inexplicable emptiness I felt for not seeing her there. 

Oh, yes. I once again made it clear when I invited her to my wedding. 

Because I'm not an amazing person.

 

 

_Jennifer is._  

 

She's smart and she cares about people. She's funny and loving and passionate. Her smile is beautiful and her body is beautiful and she looks perfect in any hair style, any hair colour. She's fragile even though she doesn't look so.

She will make you cry and laugh at the same time. She will make you leave your comfort zone and that's what it takes so you can begin to _try_ to understand her.

 

You'll _never_ understand her.

And that's one of the best parts of loving her. You'll want to unravel her and every day will be a new adventure.

She's a free soul and she wants to protect her freedom. 

 

She'll fight for her freedom even if it means she will need to bury her feelings and pretend they never existed. She'll fight for her freedom even if it means she will stop sending you long texts at noon saying she misses you and start exchanging a few polite words filled with pain disguised as forced kindness. She will do it even if - in the last day of filming on the set that introduced you both - she has to pretend she doesn't know you.

When life offers you a very large range of choices and for some insane reason you always end up making the wrong ones, it will find funny ways to wake you up. Life waited years to throw all of these choices in my face.

In the last day of filming, I finally woke up.

Once Upon a Time gave me a purpose. Being Regina Mills, getting to know her story and its meaning, changed my own. No wonder I named my fans "Evil Regals" - it doesn't matter in what show or movie I'm working on, it doesn't matter if I'm acting at all, I still carry this name with me - a remind of everything I lived and everything I'm thankful for. 

The show lost its essence a long time ago, I know that. But somehow that's the only constant I've ever known. It didn't matter what happened, I knew it would be there.

The fear started in the beginning, without knowing if it would get renewed. And this fear would resurge every year, getting replaced by the relief of knowing soon we would be shooting another season. 

" _Hi, I'm Lana Parrilla from Once Upon a Time_ ", I used to say. What now?

Now I'm just Lana Parrilla, with a journey Fairy Tale-worthy.

No, I'm not a princess. In fact, it's quite the opposite.  They call me a hero, and with time I learned how to accept compliments like this one. They say I inspire people, that I keep them alive. Even though this seems quite heavy, it always makes me feel light.

Well, almost. Not on that day. 

Because on that day - the last day of shooting - my heart found desperation for the fourth time.

The tears fell furiously down my face and no one had the guts to ask me how I was doing. Maybe because they were feeling the same: a extreme sense of loss. 

I heard it's going to be harder from now on, because I'm a woman in a sexist industry, because I'm latina, because I'm in my 40's. But I don't believe that. To me, the hardest part is leaving everything behind. The people I started calling my family, the place I learned to call my home. 

I wiped the tears on my Evil Queen dress and started laughing at the situation. With all my strength, I walked to that old trailer - Jennifer didn't have a private trailer anymore - and knocked on its door. 

No answer.

"Jennifer?", I called, knowing she was inside because the lights were on.

Still no answer.

"Jennifer?", I called again, opening the door.

She was sitting on the floor, her eyes a little swollen, her face still wet. 

"Hey", she answered, not taking any efforts to dry the tears on her cheeks. "Wanna sit?", she asked, pointing to an empty place on the floor, right in front of her.

Sitting with that dress was hard, but I did it anyway. And that's how we stood: me as the Evil Queen. Jennifer as Emma Swan.

A substantial amount of time passed until I finally decided to break the silence.

"I'm sorry", I said. 

She then lifted the eyes that were staring at the floor until that moment. I didn't have to explain anything. She already knew what I was talking about.

"I try to forgive you everyday", she answered, softly.

Silence.

"I knew this day would come", I sighed. "The end, I mean. It took so long but now it seems like everything happened so fast. One day I'm auditioning to the role, the next I'm here... How are you coping?"

"I had a sample of how it would be when I decided to leave. I left knowing I'd come back today, but it didn't make anything easier. I thought about it a lot before giving up everything, but things were unbearable and..."

She looked ashamed. Part of the reason why she decided to leave was mine and I knew that. 

"And I needed some fresh air. I was suffocating, you know? I love playing Emma and even though I was part of something huge before, Once Upon a Time was a completely different experience. With time... well, with time things got difficult and I don't think I could have taken it any longer."

She looked at the floor again.

"Today... it was amazing. People wouldn't stop hugging me and I loved seeing everyone and I know I'm gonna miss them, but I already kind of got used to it. The idea came into my mind a long time ago. The idea of leaving, I mean. And it's getting easier, but it's not getting any less... hard. I don't know if you understand me. I... I need my..."

" _Freedom_ ", I completed. "Yes, I do understand."

Her mouth twisted into what looked like a smile.

"What about you?"

"Eh... This season was... different. I loved playing Roni but Regina is and will ever be my favorite. In fact, I think I let Regina get too close to what I am and I don't know to what extent this is a good thing. I realised everything is really over and I have no idea of what I'm facing next. You already had your projects on track, me on the other hand... I only have ideas."

"And they are the beginning of everything, you are on the right track. The episode you directed is a huge step. You're very talented and I'm sure you have a very bright future ahead", she said, this time really smiling.

"It's hard to leave certain things behind", I said, referring to Regina but also to everything else. "My home. My friends. Jared...", and then I felt a tear arising. "My boy... Not having him around all the time was a living hell, I missed him so much", and the tear finally fell. 

"He became such a wonderful young man, huh? I'm so proud of him. You're like his second mother and you know that. I'm sure what you two have will last forever. You can travel to see him and vice versa."

I took a deep breath.

"It's so hard, I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever faced. I'm so scared, Jennifer. Handling it all by myself. I mean, I have my family, but I miss having someone to share everything with. Ever since I got divorced...", and then I realised what I was talking about. 

Jennifer had a indecipherable look on her face.

"I'm sorry, I..."

"No need to apologize", she said, a bitter tone on her voice. "It's over"

It wasn't. 

I bit the inside of my cheek, a wave of emotions crashing over me.

It wasn't over.

"I never liked you", I said out of sudden. "I never liked you because I never knew how to like you. I had to lose you so I could begin to understand how you're like an incredible piece of art. Beautiful, interesting in your own way, but sometimes people just won't like you. Maybe for not being open-minded. Maybe for just being ignorant. Maybe for being afraid... And I was afraid. I was a coward. I neglected you. I didn't know how to enjoy what we had, I was afraid of learning to like you because I knew in that moment that would be no turning back. I _love_..."

I closed my eyes.

"I _loved_ you without liking you. I don't know how that's even possible, but it happened. And you loved me without liking me and maybe, in the end, that's how it was always supposed to be. Just like that."

"You set yourself free, Jennifer", I looked at her. "From everything. From _me_. And you're happy and I'm happy because you're happy. I don't know what's happening from now on, but I know that when I look behind my heart will fill itself with joy for knowing that it was here, in this city, in this country that I found love in all of its shapes. You made me a better person and I wish I had appreciated that when I had the chance, but you know, sometimes we only value things when we lose it. Sometimes we only value people when we lose them."

My heart skipped a beat.

"And I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me. I know it's selfish to want your forgiveness, but I think I need it. I really do."

Jennifer stared at me, not saying a single world, a single tear falling down her face.

"I wish our story had a different ending", I whispered.

"No one lives happily ever after in real life", she said. "But we live long enough to try".

We stared at each other for a while, not saying anything.

"Well, it's time to go", she said, getting up. Then she reached out for my hand and I grabbed hers, also getting up. Her hand was warm.

I walked to the door, leaving the trailer, and she followed me. 

Once we were outside, we stared at each other for a few more seconds. Before the tears could come back, I blinked with only one eye - something I finally learned how to do - and started heading to my own trailer. She smiled, but the smile never made it to her eyes. I turned around and saw her walking to the parking lot, still wearing the red jacket.

 

She never looked back.

 

* * *

 

It was 10pm when I stepped out of the car and leaned against the hood, waiting. 

My feet were restless from anxiety and I knew I could have avoided all of this with only one call. Or maybe a FaceTime message. 

But part of me also knew that, if I had let her know, everything would be nothing.

10:30pm.

She finally showed up, wearing a black hoodie and a cap. I didn't get why she was wearing a cap since it was dark, but then I realised she was hiding. She was Jennifer Morrison, after all. 

She was carrying hew own suitcase. No agents, no security, no fans. She was alone and it was easy to see how it also meant - in some way - freedom.

I started walking without really knowing why. I sat far from where she was and waited with her while the boarding didn't start.

11:10pm.

She got up and I did the same. She was about to board and I didn't think she would see me, but this time she looked back.

I don't know what was going through her mind. 

A movie, perhaps? 

No. It's not like death where, legend has it, you watch a movie of your own life.

_Seven years._

I spent seven years seeing her almost everyday.

I lost her.

_I lost myself._

I got closer and she started walking to me.

I stopped in front of her, no one seemed to notice us.

Her eyes are beautiful, I thought.

_(There's an entire galaxy inside of them_ ).

She looked beautiful with short hair. 

( _She's always beautiful, no matter what_ ).

I wanted to kiss her. But I didn't.

Before I could move, Jennifer hugged me.

Tight. 

A hug that said " _I forgive you, we both made mistakes, I wish things had happened differently, I'm sorry about your marriage, your natural hair looks beautiful, the world is gonna be yours one day and I love you, I never stopped loving you_ ". 

I hugged back, a hug that said " _thank you so much but I'll never stop blaming myself for hurting you, you deserve so much more than me, my marriage was a mistake, I found on him a place to hide when I should have made myself vulnerable and given myself to you and only you, you're amazing, the world is already yours and I love you, I love you so, so much_ ". 

She laid her head on my shoulder.

 

Nothing lasts forever, I reminded myself.

 

But that moment,

that tiny

that little moment,

_it lasted_.

 

 

 


End file.
